tie it all together
This morning at 9:56 I told Carmen-
“I’m not going to chapel; you go on…”
- and with that I finished tacking shoulder pads into Miss Prism’s sweater and headed to my car to retreat from Awards Day.
See, I wouldn’t call myself the award-winning type. I’ve never made straight A’s. I’ve never had perfect attendance. I’m not a type-A, organizer with a pencil and a dayplanner handy at all times. I don’t say yes to every good opportunity and when I do, I end up doing half of what I could have done had I said yes to only one of those opportunities.
And the Theatre Department - well - let’s just say last year’s banquet award to me was titled “Most Likely to Lose Track of Everything”. Yes, I’m serious. I’m still not sure who wrote that award, but I’d like them to know that I cried for about an hour. Poor Jonathan had to sit there and convince me that it was only a joke.
Suffice it to say that I am proud of what I’ve done in the Theatre at NGU. I’ve accomplished a lot by my standards - I’ve gained so much knowledge and experience by being there. But there are others - so many others - who I envy for being able to do so many things at once. Last weekend I began to fear that I’ve wasted time and energy doing productions and school, instead of investing in peoples lives and building friendships, and that I was going to regret it because ultimately I just got though college being a lazy, unreliable oaf who calls herself a theatre major.
And then 10:07 am arrived, and Marlaina called me whispering “where are you? you need to be in Chapel”. So for some reason I trudged back up the hill, muttering to myself how I’d rather be sipping some Leopard Forest and reading Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poetry.
As I walked in ther door, Dr. Savidge was onstage handing out the Theatre awards. I watched, waiting for him to call Bethany Sarazen’s name (who deserved this award) for the Departmental Award. And then he called my name. Laughing, I made my way to the stage, still not understanding why this just happened.
But I understand now. It isn’t about an award. Lots of people received those today. It’s not about the Theatre Department. It’s about breaking my inability to receive. The scriptures say I’m supposed to love my friends like I love myself. If I were to do that, I pity the friend that is on the receiving end. My love for myself has involved shame, guilt, pity, doubt, fear, and so many love-less things. But God says he wants me to learn to receive good things. To own up to them. And so, to love Him and those He so graciously surrounded me with, I’m learning to receive.
